Even in unhappy marriages, divorces can be emotionally draining. The process of getting a divorce requires a lot of time, energy, and emotional investment. It can be difficult reliving the worst parts of your marriage in court, and most people hate fighting over money and property. If you’re thinking of getting a divorce in Oklahoma, you should be aware of the most common emotional and psychological effects divorces can have.
The most common emotional state that people encounter during a divorce is anger. This might seem obvious, but it’s not always clear who or what the target of the anger is. Understanding the root of the anger and dealing with it maturely are key to getting through your divorce in one piece.
For many people, it can actually be beneficial to feel and express some anger in the divorce process. Expressing your anger can be cathartic, and it might also motivate you to take care of yourself and get started on your post-marriage life. However, it’s never good to keep the anger around for too long. Dwelling on your anger can create problems like stress, irritability, and even health problems.
To get past your angry emotions, you need to focus on yourself and your goals. Once your marriage is behind you, there’s not much point to being angry about it any more. Instead, focus on the future. Keep in mind that the only person in control of your feelings is you – don’t let circumstances bring you down.
Whether you’re the party to initiate the divorce or the one on the receiving end, you’ll probably feel some guilt over your marriage ending. This is normal – we often feel like we’ve failed a test when we get a divorce, and nobody wants to admit that they made mistakes or didn’t do everything they could. It’s also common to expect your former spouse to feel guilty or to blame them for problems. However, much like anger, too much guilt can interfere with your life and prevent you from recovering.
If you’re feeling guilty about divorce, remember that you’re doing it (or your spouse is) for a reason. There’s no point in staying in a relationship that both parties aren’t happy in. An unhappy marriage isn’t good for either spouse. Whether you feel guilty for ending things or guilty for not trying to save the relationship, you need to realize that those problems and actions are in the past and can’t be changed. Instead, focus on the future and on not making the same mistakes again.
What do you do after your divorce? There is no easy answer to that question, and that can be a scary realization. Facing life after a divorce can be scary, especially if you’ve been married for a long time. Thankfully there are some things you can do to help yourself deal with this fear.
One often-recommended solution is to begin something else new and different soon after your divorce. Whether it’s moving jobs, getting a new house, or starting a hobby, a new or challenging project can help you deal with the fear of uncertainty by giving you concrete and achievable goals. The future looks scary after a divorce because we don’t know what to expect or what to do with ourselves. By taking on goals, you make it clear what you should expect. Then it simply becomes a matter of doing the work to achieve your goal.
You will probably also find comfort with friends or family members who can help you through these feelings. Don’t be afraid to ask questions of your friends or even to get help from a counselor or support group. Having help from others who have been through similar circumstances can alleviate the fear and give you answers to your concerns.
Call it what you will: rationalization, selective memory, or rose-tinted glasses. People who are divorcing tend to look back on their relationships and remember the positives while glossing over the negatives. This may lead to them wishing the relationship was healthy again, or even trying to patch things back up after a divorce. However, this rationalization is a defense mechanism. Your brain is simply trying to protect itself from pain, but it can fool people into thinking they were happier in their bad relationship than they really were.
If you ever feel tempted to return to your ex, call a friend or family member who was familiar with your relationship instead. Often they will be able to remind you of the difficult parts of your marriage. By forcing you to confront this reality, they should be able to make the prospect of returning less attractive. Alternately, you can also keep a journal or private blog, and then read over it when you’re romanticising the past too much.
A divorce can leave you bitter and upset. But unlike anger which can at least help us release our frustrations, resent and bitterness are generally negative feelings which don’t help anything. By expressing your resentment you’ll likely just make yourself feel more stressed and upset. It can also lead to you trying to intentionally hurt your ex’s feelings or make them angry.
These behaviors, while they might make you feel good at the time, aren’t productive. Instead of focusing on your resentful feelings, try to move past them and work on being more positive. By embracing forgiveness rather than negativity, you’ll feel happier with yourself and have a more productive relationship with people around you.
No matter how you’re feeling, divorce can be a difficult process. You need an experienced family lawyer to get you through your divorce and get you the best outcome. Fortunately, Bryan Stratton is exactly that: an experienced family lawyer in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma with years of divorce and family law practice. Contact his office today to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation, or follow him on Google+, Facebook andTwitter for updates and other news.